Save the Enterprise
by Malteaser
Summary: Jim has a *thing* about superheroes. And with his crew, that's quite the problem. Multiverse fusion.


There were two types of disasters in Jim Kirk's world; the kind that, looking back, was sort of fun, and the kind that just gave him a headache. He was having a hard time deciding which this was.

On the one hand, they were in the middle of a fight on the Enterprise bridge, which would likely make a good story once it was over with. On the other hand, he was currently crouched behind the Captain's chair (which really wasn't a good source of cover) and watching Bones' stomach knit itself back together in between shooting the aliens. And sneezing. A lot. Because, as his CMO well knew, he was allergic to all this superhero crap.

He sneezed again, ducking his head down below the armrest. "I hate superheroes," he said, vehemently.

Bones laughed. It sounded like it hurt. Jim wiped excess water from his eyes and took aim at the alien lumbering slowly towards them. He hit it directly in the chest, but it didn't do more than freeze it in place for a few seconds. Thankfully, they were none too fast. "What was that?" he asked Bones.

"It's a good thing I'm a doctor, not a superhero, then," he replied.

Jim rolled his eyes and sneezed again. "Your mouth says no, but your histamines say yes."

Bones looked like he was going to retort, but there was a sudden metallic clunk and the sound of ripping fabric as Uhura tossed her phaser aside in favor of transforming into a twelve-foot tall blue-skinned Na'vi warrior.

A naked twelve-foot tall blue-skinned Na'vi warrior. Jim opened his mouth to comment on that, and was promptly taken over by a sneezing fit. Which was probably a good thing, as the next thing she did was rip off the head of the nearest alien. It collapsed to the floor, and she charged towards the next intruder.

Jim suddenly had an idea. He shot at the same alien, this time aiming higher. It twitched before falling to floor, motionless.

"Aim for the head!" he yelled. He heard Sulu's affirmation over the din, and then began focusing on making as many head shots as he could with his sinuses exploding like they were.

Once the only people left standing were his crew, Jim helped Bones to his feet. He was about to make a quip of physicians healing themselves, when he sneezed again.

"Report," he groaned instead, sniffling.

"We have been invaded by aliens of indeterminate origin-" Spock began, but Jim cut him off with three more sneezes in quick succession.

"Just tell me what I don't know," he said, wiping his nose on his sleeve. Bones pulled a face and went to retrieve the medical kit.

Spock raised an eyebrow. "A moment, Captain?"

He nodded. Spock then bent near one of the prone alien and, with a look of great concentration, stuck out a finger and began to trace a line of dark red across its forehead.

"Ew!" Jim moaned. "That- achoo!- that's disgusting!"

"As is the phlegm currently hanging from your left nostril," Spock replied. "This is, however, necessary."

Jim pulled a face, tried to discreetly wipe his nose on his sleeve again, then left Spock to pick the alien's brain. He turned so he was facing Sulu and Chekov. If nothing else, they hadn't used their superpowers and so weren't making his immune system go all kooky. Chekov was banned from all time travel, now and forever and in any alternate realities he may encounter, and somehow, he doubted either hamburgers or joints would come in handy in this situation.

"Fascinating," Spock muttered.

"What?" Uhura asked.

"They do not appear to have any intellect at all," he answered. "Indeed, their brains are quite decayed."

No one had quite managed to process that information when the turbo lift opened and Scotty jumped out, brandishing a cricket bat.

"Oh, you've got it covered then!" he said brightly.

Jim immediately started sneezing again.

"Are you feeling well, Captain?" Scotty asked.

"No," he ground out. "But that's not really important now. Just find out what they are and how they got on my ship in the first place. Ow!"

Bones, who had just stuck him with a hypospray, grinned unapologetically. Yeah. This was probably a headache type of disaster.


End file.
